This is a post about how I intend on solving one of my particular dilemma’s – not having enough me-time.
The problem is of course as always bridging the gap between knowing and actually doing. I know that in order to be there for others (my kid, my pets, my friends, my clients, my colleagues, etc.) and be of service to them – which is the path to success – I have to first and foremost be there for me. If I don’t take time out every now and then to just “be” and nurture my self, my soul, my spirit, my what makes me me I lose sight of what’s important and all those relationships that are valuable to me deteriorate too. My kid being the one suffering the most from that packed-away-for-a-rainy-day spirit of mine.
And of late this has become worse due to the fact that I pump every single free moment into building my business. And that’s been going on for the last 2 years. For the last 5,5 years I have only on the very odd occasion had a chance to just be and not have to do simply because of my circumstances.
I’m a single parent without family around me which means there is nobody else ever to take over for a little while in the parenting department. It’s mama here and mama there the entire time. Every decision I make is based on the needs of two people, my son and I, all the time. In my busy day I always have to do something … for the kid, for the business, for the pets, for the house, for the investments, etc. etc. I’m the one who calls all the shots, organizes everything – singlehandedly all the time. And I love it – make no mistake, I do and I’m good at it too.
But, and it’s a big but, I keep missing out just being. It’s not that I don’t do things for me – I do plenty of that because otherwise I would have long lost my sanity, believe you me, but it’s not about DOING it’s about BEING which is the missing link here. Even when I .. say, watch a movie at home I keep listening out for anything (kid sleeping? dog snoring? cat trying to find way in?) and I have to decide which movie and what I’m going to eat or drink, etc. It seems silly but if you are the only one who has to make decisions all day long on your own you just never stop making them.
But in all the busy doing and making decisions we forget an important ingredient – the spiritual one of just being. What I realized a while ago is that I need a break from doing and having to make decisions or else I totally forget what it’s like to just be. In my crazy life even having to decide what to eat every day can become another burden. I know for a while that I urgently somehow need to get a break from this mental path of being the one who decides all the time.
So on the horizon I see a lovely 10 day vacation in Mauritius which is exactly the non-decision mode I’m looking for. Plenty of entertainment for the kid, food in masses and no worry in the world. Unfortunately due to the fact that after 2 years of building a business from scratch it’s now pay back debt time before it becomes spend on vacation time. So this trip to Mauritius is not exactly around the corner.
However if I ever want to reach Mauritius I need to stop doing every now and then and re-connect with just being. So I was putting this question up into the air, the universe, to G-d, call it as you please, and said I need to find a way to make this possible, that being without doing mode. And then I forgot about it again. (= surrendered)
And so we come finally to what I discovered as the perfect mini-break for me! Last Sunday at an audition for the Playhouse there was also a talent agent looking for film extras. He always does that and every time something inside me wants to sign up. But of course at first being away 12 hours at a time is next to impossible to manage with a very small kid and now the kid is not so much a problem anymore I simply don’t have the time of course.
But last Sunday just for the fun of it I decided to sign up anyway. Whoa what a storm of thoughts! One side arguing that I cannot possible be away from my life for 12 hours, specially if it’s not “properly” paid and the other one arguing it’s the very thing I need to do. Oh well. Wednesday I got the call if I’m available for wardrobe fitting as a featured extra on Thursday and for some reason – still don’t know how I won that argument – I just said yes.
Absolutely crazy – I have a 300 miles long to-do-list and I am going on a wardrobe fitting for the morning???
Well I did. I got in the car (didn’t have to drive for myself – hallelujah!). Got told to sit down and wait. Got measured and fitted. Got sent home. Got driven home. BLISS
I suddenly realized – when they call me to come to set for a day to film (here’s what) and it’s a day I can – absurdly enough – fit in (not easy but not impossible either) I’m going to do it. Because what’s going to happen is that from the moment I walk onto set I relinquish all control, all decision making, all responsibility over what is going to happen in the next few hours.
I’m going to be told where to sit, where to get make-up, where to wait, when to eat, when to stand where and then when they’re done I get sent home. And to “do” my best on that day I have to simply “be” – no more no less.
Can you imagine? A whole day NOT having to make any decision whatsoever????!!!!
THIS is what I so desperately need in my life! A break from making decisions. And already from just being away for 3 hours on a wardrobe call my batteries reloaded quite a bit.
I just hope they’ll call me on a day when I can get away 🙂
So I figured if I get to do a film extra thingie every other month for a day or two I should be able to reload batteries quickly. And so I’ve learned another lesson, or rather reinforced one previously learned, do not assume how the thing you want and need will come around and what it looks like. Send the request to the higher powers and surrender to the gift that will come to you while making sure you start to distinguish the voices inside of you, the ones helping and the ones hindering.
PS: On the day I went to wardrobe it was of course April fool’s day and I tweeted that I got chosen to feature in a film. I meant it as a very exaggerated truth for the day 🙂 .. not that anybody fell for it …. 😉