I caught myself, well my ego, again. In the act. Right there and then. And in a most public way via a post on Twitter. I uttered “Feeling somewhat unloved and unappreciated today. Not that anybody said anything. So back to me. Why don’t I love & appreciate myself today?” to which right away I got some lovely comments back of course. But so I’m wondering, why do I do that to myself?
And so I analyzed what happened today. Once again I woke up as so often (daily as of late) with a great idea. And usually I try to act on these great ideas right away because very often they are indeed great ideas. More often they are not but hey, I can’t know upfront whether it’s going to work out good or not. So, this morning it was one of those great, wow, mesmerzing ideas. The “this is who I am”, the “I found my life’s purpose” kind of idea. So an important one, one that resonates, one that pulls, one that really wants to be brought to fruition.
And so I used the first couple of hours pondering upon this idea, how would it work, how could it work and as it is the universe responds with sending me information totally relevant to my idea, stuff that’ll help me put it together, stuff that made me have it in the first place, stuff that helps me put 2 and 2 together and of course, with that happening the importance of the idea became even more significant. And I sat and I heard myself say: “Yes, this is what I would love doing. This is where I can have the greatest impact.” and it would also solve this challenge and that, etc.
Once again, a powerful idea.
And then the other Little Voice turned on. The one that is also called ego, the one that wants to keep me small and insignificant. And it made me do some research. As every good reasonable (ha!) Little Voice would do. Nothing wrong with that, as long as it helps bring the idea to life. And it did, initially. A first superficial research revealed that while there is some (good) stuff out there, what I had/have in mind is not, at least not successfully advertised (read SEO’d) on the internet. The real me rose up and said, there you have it, you can do that and probably even better. Oh, death of ego imminent. Cannot happen. So more research that now proves there are people out there with a LOT more experience, a LOT more knowledge, a LOT more EVERYTHING (fill in the blanks kind of stuff) and so why bother. Let’s go find some other stuff to sell rather.
And until I stopped that darn little voice I got into not feeling loved because I discarded that great idea again and felt like a little me who nobody loves. I mean really, writing it down here it feels almost stupid – yet I know when in the moment those are powerful emotions.
Yep, that’s how it goes. Anybody recognize that pattern? People struggling with self-worth will undoubtedly. It is in this very MOMENT that we have to catch ourselves and say STOP. Halt every further thought. Take a deep breath and recognize what is truly going on here. An attempt of the ego to destroy an inspired thought. And that’s what I did when I realized it this time again. I stopped, and halted the thoughts and said, it is my intention to follow through on this idea. I don’t right now know how, what and when but all will be revealed in good time.
And then I left it. Yes, I let it completely. First I started writing this post and then went off to do other things. But you see, I had stopped time for a moment, realized what went on, set an intention and let go. So this means that in the couple of days since this originally happened this idea has grown in my being, it has grown to such an extent that the ego is completely blown away by the sheer audacity of even contemplating such an enormous task as I have now come to see in my mind already.
The whole idea has already evolved and grown and is becoming a clear vision. That’s how it goes – intend-> envision -> plan -> implement -> result. I’m now in the process of enhancing the vision and starting to plan it all and it feels like the most natural thing ever. Ego has given up because I have acknowledged that me alone can’t possibly do this thing and I need to call on a higher power, which I did. So, it’s not me who is going to do all this, I’m just the instrument for something bigger than me yet part of me.
The first step is to become aware, to press the pause button. And then with practice we can alter what is being played after we press the play button again. I’m making baby steps in the right direction! Yeah 🙂